This is a subject few want to discuss, especially if it happens to you. This writer doesn’t relish writing about it, but it is a subject that needs addressing. For those affected, it can be a devastating, heartbreaking, and even embarrassing experience, leaving one feeling like a failure and frustrated. Yet this is an issue that is becoming more prevalent in the culture in which we live. It is an issue that can’t be swept under the rug. If it happens to you, what are you to do?  How is one to deal with it?  Ignoring the issue will not make it go away. Not talking about it will not make the issue disappear.

The issue becoming more prevalent today has to do with young adults disassociating themselves from their parents. In the current culture, a shift has occurred from traditional conservative ideological presuppositions and agendas that once prevailed and influenced society. Traditional ethics and morality have gradually been replaced by the Millennial Generation and Gen Z (those born between 1997-2012), that clashes with those of Baby Boomers.  The Millennial Generation is typically defined as people born from 1981-1996. Most Millennials are children of Baby Boomers, those born from 1946-1964.  This writer has not only seen this disassociating issue become a growing problem invading the lives of many families and touching a multitude of parents, for this writer it has become a painful reality on a personal level. It is hoped that what is written will be beneficial and helpful for those experiencing estrangement in the adult-child-parent relationship. In years gone by, it was common for adult children to be loyal to their parents even when all involved didn’t see eye to eye on every issue and subject. That is not the case in our current cultural climate.  

Let me clarify the tenor of the dissociation being addressed here.  I am not talking about those who disassociate from their parents because their parents were abusive or basically absent from their lives. That at least can be understood, but I am addressing dissociation where there is a difference in ideology, values, convictions, and principles among the young adult and the parents. At the root of the dissociation is  what this writer labels a “snowflake” mentality or ideology.     

Let me describe what is meant by “snowflake” ideology. This writer uses the term “snowflake” to describe a person who is easily offended, they are overly sensitive, and is emotionally fragile. Snowflake ideology doesn’t tolerate those who disagree with them or have principles or opinions differing from them. They seem to be unable to deal with opposing opinions, viewpoints, or lifestyles which differ from what they deem as key issues. Instead of seeking to find common ground, they disassociate themselves from those who are not in their ideological camp; even if it means “divorcing” themselves from their parents. Talking with a Christian counselor about this matter, he informed me this is a growing epidemic that is rooted in the culture of today.   

Interestingly, snowflake ideology preaches tolerance, yet they are the very ones who are intolerant. They are not interested in finding common ground, but they want complete surrender to their ideology or they will sever association with those who don’t capitulate to their views. Snowflake ideology considers any belief system that differs or clashes with theirs as dangerous, unsafe and a non-nurturing environment that is not to be tolerated. As a general rule, snowflake ideology considers Christian morality, values, and principles the biggest enemy to their limited and intolerant perspective. Snowflake ideology usually embraces the LGBTQ agenda, trangendersm, social justice issues, and is often anti-religious. While saying they are for equality, acceptance, and protection of all rights, it is only their rights of which they champion. Those “rights” are for those who adopt their agenda, and exclude those who adopt an ideology other than theirs…and this especially applies to those who embrace a Christian worldview.  

It is not this writer’s intent here to expound the fallacies or veracity of the snowflake ideology versus the Christian ideology, but how is a parent to respond when disassociation takes place with one’s grown children over ideological differences. As one who holds to a Christian worldview, Jesus said that the time would come when Christian disciples will find those of their own household, those of their own family, would be their worst enemies. We would love to say, “Say it ain’t so! Blood is surely thicker than water.”  However, it is not only so, but it is becoming more widespread in today’s culture. We know that even Jesus’ own brothers (half-brothers) were not believers when he walked on earth.

The question is, how do we respond?  

 From personal experience, it is devastating when you receive an email from one of your grown children that they no longer desire to be part of your lives. Reasons listed for such a decision were that our Christian values were seen as fostering “an unsafe and non-nurturing environment.”  Association could no longer be possible since we as parents didn’t support the LGBTQ agenda, transgenderism, and social justice issues, which put us on the wrong side of progressive history. We were called homophobic, misogynist, and scolded for our moral (biblical) views on sexual orientation and gender identity.  Our Biblical values and morality was said to be rooted in hate and intolerance, which undermines creating a safe and nurturing environment. We being on a different path morally and ethically, interactions could not continue.

To receive such an email cuts to the very quick of the very fabric of one’s soul. A child that you have loved for over three decades decides the morals, values, and principles they were taught growing up are now deemed unsafe and such values are rooted in hate and intolerance. A parent need not defend their values, principles, and convictions when harsh accusations are forthcoming. Defending one’s self usually proves unproductive, and, as well, falls on deaf ears that have already made up their mind. Without question, such a dissociation puts one in a tailspin that finds the grief process being experienced. The grief process has no timetable and one can find it takes time to work through it and come out on the other side.

There is first denial, that one of your children would forsake the values of their childhood and embrace a delusional morality of relativism. It makes you wonder how it happened that one you had in your home for almost two decades could abandon the values which we sought to instill in them. A parent always envisions having a close relationship with their adult children.  When an adult child cuts a parent off, it can evoke powerful feelings of guilt, regret, confusion, anxiety, helplessness; which one can deny such emotions, but they are still very real. Don’t deny how you feel. Cry, grieve…accept your emotions and response as normal. Let the tears freely flow. It is part of the healing process. One truth is certain…loving a child can bring one great pleasure or great pain.

There is anger, some of the anger is turned toward yourself that you in some way failed as a parent. The shame often associated with being rejected by an adult child can cause many parents to suffer in silence and isolation, they believing they must be a terrible parent for their own child to reject them.  You evaluate your own past dealings with them, and where you went wrong. However, one need not indulge in an unnecessary guilt-trip as it will prove unproductive.  There are no perfect parents, and I am sure any parent would change a few things if it were possible.  You can’t be a parent and not make mistakes, but that does not mean that our mistakes are the reason for the estrangement or that you deserve it. As well, you become angry at the now adult-child for being influenced by worldly values that are clearly proven snake oil.

There is bargaining in the form of prayer, that the wayward child will awaken to the error of their ways. Surely child and parent can find common ground, even in the midst of clashing ideologies. Can’t some boundaries be established that there will some subjects and issues not talked about for the sake of the family and grandchildren? But such boundaries don’t seem to be forthcoming.

 Yes, there is depression that one you raised, sacrificed for, and poured love into, has decided that worldly ideology is more important than blood kin and the parent-child relationship. There is the dawning reality because of the path they have taken and their dissociation that you will not see your child again or have any further interaction with them. That clearly can create depression, especially in the mother.   

At last, there is acceptance. There is no timetable as to when parents will arrive at acceptance. Some may never arrive there. Each of us grieves at our own pace. When an adult child “divorces” his parents, believe me there is grief. Now I can’t speak for everyone, I can only relate the experience of my wife and I. After the initial shock of the email, and receiving no response from correspondence we sent, we decided to do three things.

First, pray for the child that the Lord will open their wayward eyes and give sight to their blinded heart. No one can change someone’s mind once it is made-up, only the Lord can do that. Pray and leave them in the hands of the Lord. I realize that is easier said than done, but it must be done.

Second, we decided after some time to treat this as we would a death. In actuality, it is a death. It is death to a child-parent relationship. It is a death to grandkids that you may never see or hear from again. If that is not a death situation, I don’t know what is. Treating it as a death situation allows one to grieve. As with grief, there comes a time when it is time to move on. Yes, it is understood that grieving time varies with each individual.

Third, there needs to be a time when one moves on with their life. One thing I have learned, you can’t make someone have a relationship with you who doesn’t want, too. If someone, even a child, doesn’t want a relationship with you and desires to exclude you from their life, you can’t make them do otherwise. No amount of wishing, wringing of the hands, or sitting around depressed over the dissociation will change the situation. There has to come a time when one moves on, and instead of being paralyzed by a relationship you no longer have, begin investing in the loving relationships you do have. One can become so paralyzed by a broken relationship that they no longer enjoy the other relationships that have been placed in one’s life.  I have often said, “Don’t dwell where you are not tolerated, but enjoy the moments where you are celebrated.”  

Some would argue that the idea of moving on from an adult child’s rejection seems like giving up. After all, what kind of parent moves on with their life while they are estranged from their child? Because of such thinking, few parents do move on. They are like a car in a muddy field; they get stuck spinning their wheels, going nowhere. They sit staring at a silent phone, which never rings, or waiting for the mailman to deliver a letter of reconciliation, which never comes.  Some parents put their lives on hold until the child comes back into their lives. Well, that may never happen. A parent must face the fact that they may never come back into their lives.  However, getting on with one’s life despite what has taken place connects one with other people, other activities, and helps fill the void, allowing healing to occur. 

In moving on, in letting go, it is not that you no longer care; it is they who no longer care.  And you can’t make someone care.  When Jesus laid out the requirements to the Rich Young Ruler for following Him, the young man turned and walked away. It says Jesus beheld him and loved him, but Jesus didn’t chase after him. It wasn’t that Jesus no longer cared; it was the young man who no longer cared.  When the Prodigal Son wanted to leave the father’s house, the father let him go. Thankfully, he came back in time, but the father let him go with no guarantee that he would ever return.  

Yes, there comes a time we must let go of situations and people we can’t change. You can’t help people who are not willing to help themselves. Some parents put their lives on hold until the child comes back into their lives. Well, that may never happen. A parent must face the fact that they may never come back into their lives.  Even after an adult child’s rejection, a parent has the right to enjoy their life. That involves letting go.

Yes, it is painful to let go. But for one’s physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being there comes a time when we must let go and move on with our lives. Even though a child may abandon their parents, the Lord has not abandoned His children. There are times we must give a loved one over to the Lord and let Him deal with the issue.  We must not become paralyzed by a wayward child, for the Lord has much more for us to do for Him and others who appreciate the love we have to invest.  Yes, it hurts when a child rejects our love, but there are others who are and would be more than overjoyed to have that love invested in their lives. Moving on, one can better spend time and energy on people who want our company, on interests that are meaningful and fulfilling to us, and where we can make a difference. One is best served to remind oneself that one has other important relationships, and learn to focus on those.

One important act we must do in spite of the painful estrangement that is being experienced. We must follow the example of Jesus, who said in the presence of those who crucified him, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”  It is easy to blame ourselves or blame others for the abandonment we are experiencing, but we must realize that the final choice of estrangement is our adult child. We must forgive them for their choice for the sake of our own sanity and well-being. We are offering forgiveness without requiring an act of contrition on their part. Withholding forgiveness keeps us hostage and is associated with emotional distress and can further bouts of depression. Granting them the gift of forgiveness is a gift to them and, as well, a gift to ourselves. 

One truth is certain about life, is that it is all about eventually learning to let go, even when we don’t want, too. As a parent, one’s job is to raise the child to the best of one’s ability and teach them how to be productive adults. If, during the process, they embark upon a path different from the way they were raised, we must remind ourselves that we can’t make choices for them or live their lives for them. Learning to let go is the best way to approach situations and people in our lives that don’t go the way we expect, including when our adult children choose to reject us.

I realize this is not an easy issue to discuss or even own up to the fact that it has happened to you, but happen it does. We have moved on and refuse to continue to dwell where we are not tolerated, but embrace where we are celebrated and where the love we have to share with others is appreciated. Whatever one does, one must not isolate oneself, but seek support from others who have experienced estrangement. Above all, one must keep their eyes on the Lord, realizing we are His children and whose strength and love undergird us no matter what comes our way. After all, no one understands the experience of estrangement more than our Lord; therefore, He bids us to come unto Him.    

Blessings,

Dr. Dan